A Guide To Being A Dino Mama
by MasterShaper
Summary: InGen's newest book, at only 13 dollars!
1. Prologue

A Guide To Being A Dino Mama by Robert Muldoon

Foreword: Doctor Henry Wu apologizes for the things he wrote in 'How To Make Your Own Dinosaurs'. He assures me that he is appalled by the… vulgarities he wrote while he was drunk and says that he'll never drink tequila again. –_Robert Muldoon_

Indemnity Notice: InGen does not take responsibility for any accidents, injury, destruction of property, or death due the implementation of the guidelines in this manuscript.

WARNING: This manuscript is copyrighted, and copyright-infringers will be thrown into the Raptor Pit on Isla Nublar.

Prologue

Let me start by saying that any sane person will NEVER care for any form of carnivorous dinosaur. Those dinosaurs are the most destructi… I mean _interesting_ animals on this green (and polluted) Earth.

If you are not a lunatic, please throw this book away (or at least tear out the carnivore care sections – they are great for when you run out of toilet paper). The instructions in there will certainly lead to your death (or the death of your employees if you're a rich (not to mention mean) old fart who sits on a pile of cash and enjoys dressing in white all the time like some asylum patient).

With those kind words, let me lead you towards becoming a rotting corps… I mean a _Dino Mama_. Those buggers really get more love than they deserve (Bah!) whereas I'm still a bachelor. Go Figure.

Happy Dino Mama'ing,

Robert Muldoon


	2. Herbivore Care

**Herbivore Care**

Now, I will teach you all I know about caring for these kind, gentle, dung-producing, and rather stupid animals. Herbivorous dinosaurs are the best pets one could have (they just PISS THE HELL out of you by SHITTING OUT TONNES OF CRAP on your nice Persian carpet.) minus the stuff I put in the brackets.

Diet

If you don't know what they eat, go back to kindergarten and eat cake. The name shouts it out.

Habitat 

These shit-producing machines can live anywhere where you give them enough food and space to take a dump. Space for comfort is not necessary (wanna call the SPCA in on me, huh? SUCK THIS, MORONS!)

Mating

There is nothing as horrifying as the sound of two sauropods mating. It'll make your balls shrink, I can safely say. (God knows how Gerry manages to keep himself from hurling, ugh!) Should you want to breed these buggers, do it outside and before a meal. Not having an appetite after that is less messy than throwing up your _filet mignon_ all over your expensive tiled patio (I'm making some assumptions that most of these book's readers will be stinking rich faggots, but WHO GIVES A SHIT IF I'M WRONG?)

Hygiene

_This section has been deliberately left blank so that your dinosaur will die from hygiene-related diseases. You will then be forced to buy a new one! Hah!_

_ -John Hammond,_

_ CEO of InGen and Professional Cheapskate_

**Notes: Herbivorous dinosaurs are nothing but expensive, walking, pissing, shitting and useless things. You'd be better off swimming naked in a pond filled with lampreys.**


	3. Carnivore Care

**Carnivore Care**

_OH MY GOD! YOU'RE ACTUALLY READING THIS, YOU DUMB FUCK!_

All I can say about carnivorous dinosaurs is that they're killing machines that have been romanticized soooooo much that they're practically Mary Sues. Bleargh!

Diet

There is no need to elaborate on how to feed them. Did you hear a clicking noise? Turn around. OH MY GOD, AN ADULT VELOCIRAPTOR! ARGH! GET THE CHAINSAW, TONY! ARGH!

IT BIT ME, THE …………

_section censored due to profanity_

Habitat 

No need for you to know. They'll be living in a jar of formaldehyde if I had my way with a certain miserly fart interfering with every single one of my attempts to purge the world of these buggers.

"_Crikey, John Hammond! That spino's gonna eat you!" _

"_Shoot it! What do I pay you for?" _

"_It's an expensive animal…." _

"_HOLY FU……"_

HAHAHAHA screw you, Johnny old bitc…..

Mating 

…………… No one knows, and no one wants to find out………

Hygiene

_Refer to Mr. Cheapshit's note in Herbivore Care_

_-Robert Muldoon_

_Handsome bachelor and safari enthusiast_

Notes: Carnivorous dinosaurs will kill you. DUH, YOU IGNORANT SHIT!


End file.
